Holding Back or Showing Up?

I was quite tough when I first ran teams.

Focused, driven. Hard on myself and hard on the people around me, and I’m sorry for that. I thought that was how things got done.

People were surprised how I could be outside work. Fun, curious, relaxed. I could be good company away from work because I wasn’t responsible for it all.

Looking back, that behaviour didn't make the work any better and I see now that it came from fear.

Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of the job being less than it could be. Fear of not being good enough to get the next job.

And when you're fearful you hold back the parts of yourself that feel risky. The humour, the curiosity, ease. And what's left is a careful version. It’s easier to defend, though harder to warm to.

The thing is that careful version isn't any more credible. It's just more guarded.

People connect to the whole person, not the curated version that felt “professional” and safe enough to show. And when you’re setting the tone and only bring the guarded version, everyone around you learns to do the same.

When you count it up, how much potential is lost when a whole team is holding back?

It took time and a major reset but I became myself at work. Less afraid, more collaborative. And the work didn’t suffer. If anything people brought more, because I was easier to bring things to.

Without regret, I do sometimes wonder what might have been possible sooner if I'd been less scared. If I'd trusted that bringing more of myself, and letting others do the same, was also an option.

What part of yourself have you curated away?

Holding Back or Showing Up?